Things Overheard During the Holidays:

Isn’t it funny how people say things during the Holidays that they would not normally say?  A nice warm fire, a few Mill Streets or Rye and Cokes, and the conversation always becomes exciting.  Part of the charm of gathering with extended family is that people feel comfortable to get on their soapboxes and spew whatever crazy talk that comes to mind.   Entertaining as it is, I think I would not want to have them over much more than once a year.  There were some classic conversation gems that I can share with you though.  During one of the many dinner table conversations this holiday season, my family began to go on about  the merits of GPS and ON-Star navigation systems.  My mother-in-law received a GPS for Christmas and was so excited to get it going.  After two tech-savvy men attempted to get it working for her, she was finally able to try it out.   The classic line from one of them was:  “Why is it that the voice on the GPS is always a woman’s?  They are the ones that need the GPS in the first place.”  I found it more ironic as he has one in each of his vehicles.  I always love it when politics comes up.  One of my wife’s cousins is not that worldly, and demonstrated it clearly as he ranted that he was glad he didn’t vote for Obama.  The better part was when his wife admitted she did not vote for him either, and “thank-goodness because of all the money he would be draining from the already overtaxed Americans”.  It was a ‘natural’ segue into the Ontario Teacher’s strike.  There was one in attendance so I nestled in with a fresh pint to hear this debate set itself on fire.  I was disappointed to learn from this same cousin, that somehow, the Teacher’s union and the NHLPA were closely linked and fighting for the same rights and pension concerns.  As the spiked eggnog flowed and the Crown drained away, I learned that apparently Rob Ford is not doing a good job running the province either.  Who needs the CBC when you can get updates like this directly from your dining room table.  This was another great segue as the cousins began discussing the World Juniors and Spengler Cup.  One relative shared how glad she was to see the NHL strike was settled and thrilled that they were playing again – such exciting hockey this holiday!  The time of the games was really upsetting though, and she hoped it would get back to the regular time slots soon.  They figured the increase in foreign advertising on the rinks and jerseys must have been a way for the owner’s to get more money.  She was okay with it as long as the NHL was back to playing hockey.  I poured them all another drink which made everyone happy.  I swear, these people only drink Crown Royal at my place.  It really is a minor investment for the priceless material that it evokes.  Just how much would you be willing to pay to learn the secret ingredient in rye, the one that gives this particular spirit its special ‘power’???  I knew the night was coming to an end when the bottle of Crown was nearly empty, and my young nephew told everyone his Dad was ‘tired’ and that his Mom would have to be the ‘VD’.  I corrected him and told him he probably meant ‘DD’.  The rosy faces of the extended family then gathered for one final picture around the tree.  Doing my duty, I took the traditional picture, and then sent the merry folk on their way.  The DD’s, or in some cases VD’s, safely chauffeuring; the goodbyes and “see you next years” all good and done.  365 days to go.  Just enough time to recover and restock.   

How Men Enjoy the Christmas Break

Men can wake up early for three things… The World Junior Hockey Tournament, golf and you can figure out what the third thing is.  The Christmas Break is a great time to spend with your family while your kids are home from school and there is no better place to bond then in front of the TV watching Canada spank the Russians or Americans in Junior hockey.  Having just heard that the NHL has been cancelled until the middle of January puts even more emphasis on our role as educators to the next generation of hockey phenoms.  We think it is important to teach our sons and daughters some National Pride while wrapped in a blanket, unshowered and unshaven cheering for the next round of superstars.  There really is no substitute for this level of education and I am pretty sure they skip over it in the modern school curriculum.  It is a fun time to be off work as well because most of your buddies are off preparing to talk about how they will eat and drink too much and how this year will be the year they purchase a piece of fitness equipment or join a SNAP Fitness.  Naps are almost a forgotten art as well.    What man does not want to exhaust themselves gorging at the dinner table, followed by a healthy nap on the couch?    Just add a little outdoor activity and some frosty beverages and you have the perfect recipe for an afternoon nap.  I think SportsCentre was invented to allow men to nap guilt free so that they might be able to recall the game they told everyone they were watching.  The next phase after Christmas dinner sees the onset of the 23 or more US College Bowl games that begin with the most obscure teams.  It is always exciting to watch #45 ranked Something State take on #78^th ranked Division 3 College team for some obscure Bowl title.  There are some parades (insert nap) and then some more entertaining games.  Men use these games as bargaining tools.  They pretend to be interested but really this is a clever ploy in our attempt to show our family we will sacrifice football to be with the family.  It would be fascinating to be at the annual meeting of the Wives Union as they ponder ways to figure out how the number of college bowl games increases every single year.  It is the Man Union’s strongest weapon.  After the prelude of boring Bowl games we use as pawns we really get to watch the games we want…The World Juniors.  Sometimes there is even some snow in the mix and this gives us a chance to venture to the slopes (very small hills) to try some tricks we think we can still do.  In our minds we race down the slopes in perfect form and perform tricks and jumps many feet in the air….when in reality we look like an avalanche with limbs and sometimes we get enough “air” to slide a piece of cardboard under  the sled.  The truth is the sleds the kids use are faster and more versatile than the wooden torpedoes we had back in the day.  Now the kids would scoff at the chance to hurl their bodies down an ice slope on what we called a great ride.  Today if the sled does not have a steering wheel and is endorsed by an “X Games” champion it is just not going to cut it with our kids.  No matter how you spend your time off over the Holidays it is inevitably going to be a great time.  Meals taste better and friends are more welcome to consume your food and beverages.  Enjoy every minute of it men as you know it does not last forever before you have to get back to the ”Honey Do” list that grows exponentially with each day off.  

CHRISTMAS IN-LAW INVASION

There is a reason why National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is one of man’s all-time favourite holiday movies.  Everyone can relate in some way or another to Clark Griswold’s world when his extended family invades for Christmas.  From the moment the doorbell rings the invasion of in-laws can turn a normal, relatively quiet household into complete chaos.  There are many strange things that can happen when you double, or even triple the number of people sleeping under the same roof.  Even if it’s just for a couple of nights.  Sometimes the politics and inter-family dynamics are harder to navigate than anything you might find at work.  For instance, who gets to sleep on the air mattress (that somehow always manages to deflate by the morning) in the unfinished basement, right next to the cat litter?  Do you risk having all the cousins sleep in the same room, even though you know they aren’t going to fall asleep anytime before 11pm?  Where do you put the aunt, or uncle who snores so loudly you’d swear you lived right over Union Station?  An argument could be made that there is more strategy involved in successfully figuring out the proper sleeping arrangements of everyone in the family than trying to stop Adrian Peterson on any given Sunday.  It’s also interesting to find out which family members are prepared to help out and lend a hand amidst all the chaos, and those who think they are spending a couple nights at the Four Seasons and expect to be waited on hand and foot.  If you spot Uncle ‘Bob’ giving L’il ‘Johnny’ one of those new $20 bills with the instructions to, “Never let my glass get empty”, than you know whose ‘cheeks’ will most likely be planted in your favourite chair for the whole visit.  I’m not sure how it is in your house, but in mine, Christmas dinner with the whole family is one of the most beautifully choreographed events of the year.  My wife plans and prepares the Christmas feast with the same sort of tact and military precision as General MacArthur must have when he promised to retake the Philippines.  Every dish is always ready at exactly the right moment, and heaven help the poor soul who has one too many rum and eggnogs and inadvertently disrupts or slows down this masterful display of mouth-watering greatness.  Of course, by far the most important part of the entire meal is when I get to carve (although some might say it’s more accurately described as hacking) the turkey.  There’s just something about putting a cooked carcass and a large knife in a man’s hands that turns him into something out of the movie Braveheart.  Or maybe it’s just me; it’s probably just me. But no matter how chaotic and unruly your house may become when the in-laws invade for the holidays it’s best to remember the immortal words of one Clark W. Griswold, “The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin.”

Merry Christmas from The Man Cave!

REVOKE HIS MAN CARD

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One of the funnier websites 'From the ManCave' has come across lately is Officialmancard.com, an absolute gem for guys with buddies who have recently displayed appalling examples of manhood.  Like going to see the movie 'Twilight'.

Not only do they have fantastic examples of men having their Man Cards revoked, you can buy Official Man Card products like beer koozies, tshirts, hats and extra Man Cards. 

HANGING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

“tis the Season

I think we had just returned from trick or treating with the kids on Hallowe’en when I got the “I think this year when you put lights up on the house….”  I had just finished plowing back my fourth Crispy Crunch so I was most likely in an agreeable mood.  Women are smart; they know when to spring ideas on men.  When did hanging Christmas lights ever become so complicated?   To back up a little when did we change from just having to decorate our houses just for Christmas?  I think in Brooklin there is a conspiracy or some underground movement to decorate your house for every season.  You have to get pretty imaginative for Victoria Day but somehow our wives manage to come up with something.  This might be the one time when we can say to our father’s (just after he finishes with the “I walked to school uphill, both ways in a snow storm” speech) that he had it way too good when he only had to hang one 10 foot strand of mutlicoloured lights sometime in December.  Back then I think it was acceptable to only put up one strand.  Then the competitive side of being a man took over and one guy hung two 10’ strands and the race to have the house with the most lights was on.  This movement probably spurred on the making of the movie Christmas Vacation and now everyone seems to know a Griswald in their neighbourhood.  It seems now that Christmas decorations start in November and last until the kids go back to school in January.  I also love the “I think we should put lights up there, there and there this year”.  There has to be a statistic that men can quote to say that balancing a ladder against a 7 inch piece of roof, 30 feet off the ground with one arm over extended holding a strand of lights is not safe.  One piece of advice here is to not agree to have your wife offer to hold the ladder as you climb it.  This is usually preceded by a visit to your life insurance agent two days prior but because it was two days prior we men have already forgot there might be a connection.  For sure do not agree to that without any male witnesses.    Women are smart though because they know we are competitive by nature and when they pull the “Mary’s husband can do this so I am sure it should be no problem for you” or “We can ask him to come over and show you” it makes us forget about the dangers.  If you are okay with losing your man card and having it revoked allow your wife to do this manly chore for you.  Not they are not capable, but it violates section 13-8 of the man code book.  I think Dave at our local Home Hardware should hold a “light hanging demonstration seminar”.  You can picture it now:  50 – 60 men huddled around on a Saturday and Sunday for the two day seminar sponsored by Tim Horton’s for the morning sessions and Steam Whistle for the afternoon sessions.  The seminar topics would include tips on how to place a light in a clip, climbing a ladder while balancing with one hand full of lights, how to reach the peak and survive to tell about it, how to point all lights so they are facing the same direction, the beer vs. lights ratio, just to name a few of the suggested topics.  Of course all of the above services can be purchased but doing so challenges our manhood so we attempt them anyway.  Good luck hanging the lights this year men.  If you are one of the guys that leaves your lights up all year round then you can skip to step 17 - open your favourite craft beer and admire the work you have completed last year but are still looking for praise again this year for.

BACKYARD RINKS

Nothing says Winter in Canada like having a backyard rink to play on.  While we wait for Gary and Don to sort out whose ego is bigger this is the winter to construct your very own backyard rink.  With pizza and beer sales down everywhere every guy has extra cash on hand as well.   Global warming is certainly doing its best to shorten the season for this time honoured treasure as best she can which still leaves us with a couple of months to construct something even Mike Holmes would be proud of in your own backyard.  When it comes to backyard rinks let’s face it – Size matters!  Men love to describe their rink in terms of feet and not inches, and then there is always that one guy who is over the top bragging about a 40’ x 70’ with a custom plastic UV rated white tarp, rounded corners, end boards, 2 sets of nets, a homemade flooding device concocted out of PVC pipe with separate hot and cold water feeds to get the ice perfect every single time and lighting that your favourite rock band would be proud to own.  We have even heard of  people in Brooklin that bring home survey equipment to get the backyard level before they tackle the  arduous task of erecting the frame on level ground.  These are the guys that snicker at the amateurs who have one corner that is 12 inches deeper than all of the others.   Then there is the rest of us... the guys that do their best Red Green impression by applying duct tape (normally a man’s best friend for home improvement projects) to seams in a tarp that closely resembles a quilt your grandmother made out of 7 different pieces of material.   However, using coloured tarps and duct tape only make for more mess then is necessary as the sun melts the ice away faster on those sunny days and water has a funny way of seeping out when you need it most.  If you are considering tackling this project go see a great local resource in Don and Chuck at Mitchell Lumber.  I think they have a sign that says – “helping men build rinks for many generations”.  They can get you all of the wood, plastic, screws and hoses you will need to get your backyard rink in order.  Last year Jason had to buy his neighbor 3 cases of his favourite adult beverage when his rink did not hold water so well. On the positive side he did create a perfectly flat and smooth piece of ice.  Unfortunately, it was covering his neighbour’s entire driveway and much of his detached garage.  Only the Canadian Army could have shored that monstrosity up properly.  Luckily his neighbour was pretty good natured about the whole debacle, considering he spread close to 100 lbs of salt everywhere just to avoid the lawsuit of him wiping out on the way to his vehicle for two months.  Check out the website we have included to get you started and if that seems too easy You Tube and Twitter are full of guys who thought they knew what they were doing.   

BUDDY TRIPS

Buddy trips can take on the form of so many things but they all have some common themes.    I mean seriously who just didn’t forget where you were and imagined you and your buddies on the links in Myrtle Beach, an NHL city, or in your favourite college town watching a football game.  A few things hold true for wherever you decide to go.  The place and reason are almost secondary as your real reason is to escape the normal life and drink the same amount of beer as you once did in College or University and devour more meat than would feed a small country.  Not to mention play pranks on your friends that only you or your group think might are remotely funny.  What is funny though is how men try to position the trips to their wives or significant others.  Regardless if you are the head negotiator for the NHLPA all of us have to “up our game” when it comes time to convince our wives.  There is the “Honey we are just going to support our (insert name of buddy in need of consoling)”.  Or the “I will do anything you want if I can just go on this one trip” which is usually followed by the pouting and sulking when really all we had to do was negotiate.  Try starting the conversation like this: “Honey, I want to invite your mom to stay with us for a week and I think you would look great in that new lululemon jacket or pants.  Another great one is: “Some guys are heading for a little golf trip and asked if I could fill in for someone.  They are stuck and need me or the trip falls through and none of them can go.  They are even cutting me a deal (not really) as I would be a last minute fill in”.  One thing is for sure though; we never mention the names of the guys that all women fear would be going on this type of trip.  When asked for a list of attendees the list usually resembles the roster of the church choir.  Never make the mistake of adding that your most wild and crazy friend that shows up hammered at your cottage or sleeps on your couch when he has drank all of your beer and eaten all of your snacks.  Regardless of who you include in the list - no one is ever a single guy.   Even when we are questioned about who is attending and someone asks if they are single you always answer with an emphatic – No, No, No … he has been in a serious relationship for quite awhile.  Then quickly get the topic back to more serious things like “how beautiful you look today, is that a new hair style, or I am thinking we should decorate the bedroom the way they did on that HGTV program you were forced to watch.  Men, you owe it yourself to go on at least one buddy trip in your lifetime and when you do try to stay up past 11 on at least one of the nights.  Here are some sites to look at when you plan your next getaway with the boys.

Best Buddy Trips .com

www.golftripgenius.com