HANGING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

“tis the Season

I think we had just returned from trick or treating with the kids on Hallowe’en when I got the “I think this year when you put lights up on the house….”  I had just finished plowing back my fourth Crispy Crunch so I was most likely in an agreeable mood.  Women are smart; they know when to spring ideas on men.  When did hanging Christmas lights ever become so complicated?   To back up a little when did we change from just having to decorate our houses just for Christmas?  I think in Brooklin there is a conspiracy or some underground movement to decorate your house for every season.  You have to get pretty imaginative for Victoria Day but somehow our wives manage to come up with something.  This might be the one time when we can say to our father’s (just after he finishes with the “I walked to school uphill, both ways in a snow storm” speech) that he had it way too good when he only had to hang one 10 foot strand of mutlicoloured lights sometime in December.  Back then I think it was acceptable to only put up one strand.  Then the competitive side of being a man took over and one guy hung two 10’ strands and the race to have the house with the most lights was on.  This movement probably spurred on the making of the movie Christmas Vacation and now everyone seems to know a Griswald in their neighbourhood.  It seems now that Christmas decorations start in November and last until the kids go back to school in January.  I also love the “I think we should put lights up there, there and there this year”.  There has to be a statistic that men can quote to say that balancing a ladder against a 7 inch piece of roof, 30 feet off the ground with one arm over extended holding a strand of lights is not safe.  One piece of advice here is to not agree to have your wife offer to hold the ladder as you climb it.  This is usually preceded by a visit to your life insurance agent two days prior but because it was two days prior we men have already forgot there might be a connection.  For sure do not agree to that without any male witnesses.    Women are smart though because they know we are competitive by nature and when they pull the “Mary’s husband can do this so I am sure it should be no problem for you” or “We can ask him to come over and show you” it makes us forget about the dangers.  If you are okay with losing your man card and having it revoked allow your wife to do this manly chore for you.  Not they are not capable, but it violates section 13-8 of the man code book.  I think Dave at our local Home Hardware should hold a “light hanging demonstration seminar”.  You can picture it now:  50 – 60 men huddled around on a Saturday and Sunday for the two day seminar sponsored by Tim Horton’s for the morning sessions and Steam Whistle for the afternoon sessions.  The seminar topics would include tips on how to place a light in a clip, climbing a ladder while balancing with one hand full of lights, how to reach the peak and survive to tell about it, how to point all lights so they are facing the same direction, the beer vs. lights ratio, just to name a few of the suggested topics.  Of course all of the above services can be purchased but doing so challenges our manhood so we attempt them anyway.  Good luck hanging the lights this year men.  If you are one of the guys that leaves your lights up all year round then you can skip to step 17 - open your favourite craft beer and admire the work you have completed last year but are still looking for praise again this year for.