Things Overheard During the Holidays:

Isn’t it funny how people say things during the Holidays that they would not normally say?  A nice warm fire, a few Mill Streets or Rye and Cokes, and the conversation always becomes exciting.  Part of the charm of gathering with extended family is that people feel comfortable to get on their soapboxes and spew whatever crazy talk that comes to mind.   Entertaining as it is, I think I would not want to have them over much more than once a year.  There were some classic conversation gems that I can share with you though.  During one of the many dinner table conversations this holiday season, my family began to go on about  the merits of GPS and ON-Star navigation systems.  My mother-in-law received a GPS for Christmas and was so excited to get it going.  After two tech-savvy men attempted to get it working for her, she was finally able to try it out.   The classic line from one of them was:  “Why is it that the voice on the GPS is always a woman’s?  They are the ones that need the GPS in the first place.”  I found it more ironic as he has one in each of his vehicles.  I always love it when politics comes up.  One of my wife’s cousins is not that worldly, and demonstrated it clearly as he ranted that he was glad he didn’t vote for Obama.  The better part was when his wife admitted she did not vote for him either, and “thank-goodness because of all the money he would be draining from the already overtaxed Americans”.  It was a ‘natural’ segue into the Ontario Teacher’s strike.  There was one in attendance so I nestled in with a fresh pint to hear this debate set itself on fire.  I was disappointed to learn from this same cousin, that somehow, the Teacher’s union and the NHLPA were closely linked and fighting for the same rights and pension concerns.  As the spiked eggnog flowed and the Crown drained away, I learned that apparently Rob Ford is not doing a good job running the province either.  Who needs the CBC when you can get updates like this directly from your dining room table.  This was another great segue as the cousins began discussing the World Juniors and Spengler Cup.  One relative shared how glad she was to see the NHL strike was settled and thrilled that they were playing again – such exciting hockey this holiday!  The time of the games was really upsetting though, and she hoped it would get back to the regular time slots soon.  They figured the increase in foreign advertising on the rinks and jerseys must have been a way for the owner’s to get more money.  She was okay with it as long as the NHL was back to playing hockey.  I poured them all another drink which made everyone happy.  I swear, these people only drink Crown Royal at my place.  It really is a minor investment for the priceless material that it evokes.  Just how much would you be willing to pay to learn the secret ingredient in rye, the one that gives this particular spirit its special ‘power’???  I knew the night was coming to an end when the bottle of Crown was nearly empty, and my young nephew told everyone his Dad was ‘tired’ and that his Mom would have to be the ‘VD’.  I corrected him and told him he probably meant ‘DD’.  The rosy faces of the extended family then gathered for one final picture around the tree.  Doing my duty, I took the traditional picture, and then sent the merry folk on their way.  The DD’s, or in some cases VD’s, safely chauffeuring; the goodbyes and “see you next years” all good and done.  365 days to go.  Just enough time to recover and restock.   

How Men Enjoy the Christmas Break

Men can wake up early for three things… The World Junior Hockey Tournament, golf and you can figure out what the third thing is.  The Christmas Break is a great time to spend with your family while your kids are home from school and there is no better place to bond then in front of the TV watching Canada spank the Russians or Americans in Junior hockey.  Having just heard that the NHL has been cancelled until the middle of January puts even more emphasis on our role as educators to the next generation of hockey phenoms.  We think it is important to teach our sons and daughters some National Pride while wrapped in a blanket, unshowered and unshaven cheering for the next round of superstars.  There really is no substitute for this level of education and I am pretty sure they skip over it in the modern school curriculum.  It is a fun time to be off work as well because most of your buddies are off preparing to talk about how they will eat and drink too much and how this year will be the year they purchase a piece of fitness equipment or join a SNAP Fitness.  Naps are almost a forgotten art as well.    What man does not want to exhaust themselves gorging at the dinner table, followed by a healthy nap on the couch?    Just add a little outdoor activity and some frosty beverages and you have the perfect recipe for an afternoon nap.  I think SportsCentre was invented to allow men to nap guilt free so that they might be able to recall the game they told everyone they were watching.  The next phase after Christmas dinner sees the onset of the 23 or more US College Bowl games that begin with the most obscure teams.  It is always exciting to watch #45 ranked Something State take on #78^th ranked Division 3 College team for some obscure Bowl title.  There are some parades (insert nap) and then some more entertaining games.  Men use these games as bargaining tools.  They pretend to be interested but really this is a clever ploy in our attempt to show our family we will sacrifice football to be with the family.  It would be fascinating to be at the annual meeting of the Wives Union as they ponder ways to figure out how the number of college bowl games increases every single year.  It is the Man Union’s strongest weapon.  After the prelude of boring Bowl games we use as pawns we really get to watch the games we want…The World Juniors.  Sometimes there is even some snow in the mix and this gives us a chance to venture to the slopes (very small hills) to try some tricks we think we can still do.  In our minds we race down the slopes in perfect form and perform tricks and jumps many feet in the air….when in reality we look like an avalanche with limbs and sometimes we get enough “air” to slide a piece of cardboard under  the sled.  The truth is the sleds the kids use are faster and more versatile than the wooden torpedoes we had back in the day.  Now the kids would scoff at the chance to hurl their bodies down an ice slope on what we called a great ride.  Today if the sled does not have a steering wheel and is endorsed by an “X Games” champion it is just not going to cut it with our kids.  No matter how you spend your time off over the Holidays it is inevitably going to be a great time.  Meals taste better and friends are more welcome to consume your food and beverages.  Enjoy every minute of it men as you know it does not last forever before you have to get back to the ”Honey Do” list that grows exponentially with each day off.